I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
