I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
