Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
