i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
