Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize