my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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