First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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