He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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