Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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