Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
