A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
