You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
