I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
