Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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