she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You are a genius and a whore.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
