Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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