i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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