i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
