I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My feet surprised me
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