what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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