it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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