dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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