You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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