just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
