I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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