im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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