You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have so many feelings about this burrito
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize