Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
