From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Rumble strips road head = magical
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
