Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to make a zoo with you.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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