Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
