it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
