I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
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