My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
