Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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