Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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