I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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