I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
