Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
