I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
