So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
