thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
