i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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