You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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