Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
