Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
ok first of all what the fuck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
