and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
