I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think my vagina is haunted
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
