you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
