Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
