Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
