I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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