this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
