that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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