the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
