Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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