also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
