Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
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