My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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