you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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