I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
